I have neglected this blog for about a week or so now. *tear*

I've kinda shyed away from a lot of social networking...kind of recovery from a lot of things? Plus I'm busy, as usual.

Tennis practice has made me so much better. New piano teacher? Yay. Band? Ehh. People in there are so frucking immature... 'Doctor'? Ehh getting used to it. Do I still need prayer? Yes.

Last weekend was simply incredible. If more of my friends, etc., went, they probably would've felt the same way I felt. It was life-changing. My perspective on worship, God, love, my morals, etc. have definitely changed. Got a purity ring. Hard choice, but a loving one & a peace of mind for my parents. Haha. The bands/music/worship was amazing and hit me so hard. It was really, the first time I seriously felt like Go loved me and would help me. With all the past difficulties I've been having lately, that was the perfect weekend I needed. Time away from this place I called home and is now known as 'Hell' and 'a war' and to seriously spend time with God. Going home was hard because I was afraid of 'home' but God was with me the entire time and definitely reassured me I have nothing to worry about.

That same week, though, I had attacks. Panic ones. A lot of arguing, screaming, crying, etc. It was extremely scary...I started to worry way more than I usually do and would have the urge to hurt myself or pull my hair out. It felt like God abandoned me but while I was in the 'office', He talked to me and let me know "this is help. i'll always be with you. it may be impossible to see past all of this, but just trust in me and you'll see." I really did find it hard;it's always hard to praise God when you're in tough times for me. During this time, I was a fake at school. I'd laugh and smile, trying so hard to pretend like nothing was wrong at all. I wanted to just feel fine, but inside my mind, it was like a kid without ADD medicine. I couldn't concentrate and would hurt on whoever I wanted to. People I thought would understand me seemed to fade away and not care which, of course, did not make anything better. They would say I'm using this 'sickness' as an excuse. (which made me so angry. 1) this is not a choice. it's an imperative condition you're with. 2)why would i use this as an excuse? laugh at me, bitch at me, but i can't change at this stage. either help me or don't ever talk to me.) I felt alone and self-harm seemed like the only thing I had and crying became a regular routine, every couple of hours. I couldn't deal with it. No one understood me and the people I thought I could talk to pushed me away, not caring. Once revival and church came around, though, I guess it was like God was whispering to me "Don't. Please. I love you and you don't need others who scorn you or hurt you. Don't run to them. Run to me." & I definitely tried. Today, I can say I'm feeling a million times better. People I thought I knew have changed drastically and it's hard, but I feel like I have to let them go. They seem to not help or care unless I always try to talk to them. The only medicine I have at the moment is my Bible, music, writing, and God. I've never been this desperate for help or love, but these past 2-3 weeks have felt like my mind has been filled with trash and my heart has been beaten until it can't function anymore. If anyone understands my condition, it'd be nice for help, messaging, etc. My life, still, feels like a war I'm fighting with and I feel like a psycho, my mind quarantined. It sucks and until another person has it, they can't say anything about excuse making, etc. To those people? (mind my French)

Fuck you.

I'm still in 'recovery' mode I guess you could say? It's hard to come to terms with so many things...private issues, etc. I'm still in shock, not even crying anymore. I've blamed God so much on that Sunday-Monday 2-3 weeks ago, but I've learned I should praise Him for all the struggles He puts me through. It's almost like a test. I needed a reality check and thank God He was there.

Along with all those mental complications, I have been really thinking about love. I've only loved one person, relationship-wise. It also seems as though I say it a lot (maybe I need to stop?). Love is so hard to comprehend and remember how I used to believe in love at first sight, etc.

I mean, I don't want to STOP believing it, but at the moment, it seems like I don't. I just can't. Once I love someone, something goes wrong. I've been asking God why that had to happen. Once I seriously pour my heart to someone, they can't take it. Other times, though, they've told me 'i love you' and I never felt that way yet and I had no clue how it'd feel. Now I know and it felt like God didn't want me to be happy or allow me to feel love. Yeah, I'm 15 going on 16, but why restrict me? It hurt me so much and a sort of regret it now, not entirely like before, but I just wonder if I had doubted my feelings and not said anything, would the situation gotten better? I don't know, but I guess everything happens for a reason, right? Love is such a tough subject...it's abstract and hard to find for many. Only true love I've found that has always accepted me is Jesus Christ. I've come to the conclusion if I just focus on Him, hold off on dating, and sit patiently, waiting, it will come to me. That's pretty much my plan right now.

and this sounds kind of terrible, considering you should always be honest with your partner, but I think I will wait for the guy to say it...every time I do it, they don't feel the same way or something terrible happens.

So, something random:

Had a weird series of dreams. Each one, I woke up, either crying, freaked, or happy. Kind of disturbing and have no clue why I had them, but good to jot them down, hmm?

1) I had an exorcism. In the band room. From another person's point of view. It was scary...and dark (literally). After everything was done, i fell to the floor and started bleeding. Dramatic? Yes, but dreams have meanings right? I think I know what but....why?

2) I had sex with some random, kinda chubby guy? In my grandparents house in the guest room. The face looked familiar, but I mean, c'mon, it's a dream. we were all happy and stuff...but it was so weird, but not trying to be a freak, but i felt comfortable....hmm...

3) My best friend completely rejected me and told me to get out of his life. I didn't cry, but just stood there while he went off to college...i hated this one.

(i shall cont. on another blog lol)

I have neglected this blog for about a week or so now. *tear*

I've kinda shyed away from a lot of social networking...kind of recovery from a lot of things? Plus I'm busy, as usual.

Tennis practice has made me so much better. New piano teacher? Yay. Band? Ehh. People in there are so frucking immature... 'Doctor'? Ehh getting used to it. Do I still need prayer? Yes.

Last weekend was simply incredible. If more of my friends, etc., went, they probably would've felt the same way I felt. It was life-changing. My perspective on worship, God, love, my morals, etc. have definitely changed. Got a purity ring. Hard choice, but a loving one & a peace of mind for my parents. Haha. The bands/music/worship was amazing and hit me so hard. It was really, the first time I seriously felt like Go loved me and would help me. With all the past difficulties I've been having lately, that was the perfect weekend I needed. Time away from this place I called home and is now known as 'Hell' and 'a war' and to seriously spend time with God. Going home was hard because I was afraid of 'home' but God was with me the entire time and definitely reassured me I have nothing to worry about.

That same week, though, I had attacks. Panic ones. A lot of arguing, screaming, crying, etc. It was extremely scary...I started to worry way more than I usually do and would have the urge to hurt myself or pull my hair out. It felt like God abandoned me but while I was in the 'office', He talked to me and let me know "this is help. i'll always be with you. it may be impossible to see past all of this, but just trust in me and you'll see." I really did find it hard;it's always hard to praise God when you're in tough times for me. During this time, I was a fake at school. I'd laugh and smile, trying so hard to pretend like nothing was wrong at all. I wanted to just feel fine, but inside my mind, it was like a kid without ADD medicine. I couldn't concentrate and would hurt on whoever I wanted to. People I thought would understand me seemed to fade away and not care which, of course, did not make anything better. They would say I'm using this 'sickness' as an excuse. (which made me so angry. 1) this is not a choice. it's an imperative condition you're with. 2)why would i use this as an excuse? laugh at me, bitch at me, but i can't change at this stage. either help me or don't ever talk to me.) I felt alone and self-harm seemed like the only thing I had and crying became a regular routine, every couple of hours. I couldn't deal with it. No one understood me and the people I thought I could talk to pushed me away, not caring. Once revival and church came around, though, I guess it was like God was whispering to me "Don't. Please. I love you and you don't need others who scorn you or hurt you. Don't run to them. Run to me." & I definitely tried. Today, I can say I'm feeling a million times better. People I thought I knew have changed drastically and it's hard, but I feel like I have to let them go. They seem to not help or care unless I always try to talk to them. The only medicine I have at the moment is my Bible, music, writing, and God. I've never been this desperate for help or love, but these past 2-3 weeks have felt like my mind has been filled with trash and my heart has been beaten until it can't function anymore. If anyone understands my condition, it'd be nice for help, messaging, etc. My life, still, feels like a war I'm fighting with and I feel like a psycho, my mind quarantined. It sucks and until another person has it, they can't say anything about excuse making, etc. To those people? (mind my French)

Fuck you.

I'm still in 'recovery' mode I guess you could say? It's hard to come to terms with so many things...private issues, etc. I'm still in shock, not even crying anymore. I've blamed God so much on that Sunday-Monday 2-3 weeks ago, but I've learned I should praise Him for all the struggles He puts me through. It's almost like a test. I needed a reality check and thank God He was there.

Along with all those mental complications, I have been really thinking about love. I've only loved one person, relationship-wise. It also seems as though I say it a lot (maybe I need to stop?). Love is so hard to comprehend and remember how I used to believe in love at first sight, etc.

I mean, I don't want to STOP believing it, but at the moment, it seems like I don't. I just can't. Once I love someone, something goes wrong. I've been asking God why that had to happen. Once I seriously pour my heart to someone, they can't take it. Other times, though, they've told me 'i love you' and I never felt that way yet and I had no clue how it'd feel. Now I know and it felt like God didn't want me to be happy or allow me to feel love. Yeah, I'm 15 going on 16, but why restrict me? It hurt me so much and a sort of regret it now, not entirely like before, but I just wonder if I had doubted my feelings and not said anything, would the situation gotten better? I don't know, but I guess everything happens for a reason, right? Love is such a tough subject...it's abstract and hard to find for many. Only true love I've found that has always accepted me is Jesus Christ. I've come to the conclusion if I just focus on Him, hold off on dating, and sit patiently, waiting, it will come to me. That's pretty much my plan right now.

and this sounds kind of terrible, considering you should always be honest with your partner, but I think I will wait for the guy to say it...every time I do it, they don't feel the same way or something terrible happens.

So, something random:

Had a weird series of dreams. Each one, I woke up, either crying, freaked, or happy. Kind of disturbing and have no clue why I had them, but good to jot them down, hmm?

1) I had an exorcism. In the band room. From another person's point of view. It was scary...and dark (literally). After everything was done, i fell to the floor and started bleeding. Dramatic? Yes, but dreams have meanings right? I think I know what but....why?

2) I had sex with some random, kinda chubby guy? In my grandparents house in the guest room. The face looked familiar, but I mean, c'mon, it's a dream. we were all happy and stuff...but it was so weird, but not trying to be a freak, but i felt comfortable....hmm...

3) My best friend completely rejected me and told me to get out of his life. I didn't cry, but just stood there while he went off to college...i hated this one.

(i shall cont. on another blog lol)